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Monthly Archives: June 2013

Not to jinx myself or to toot my own horn, but my friends tend to think I give pretty good advice. This is confirmed by how often I get texts or calls needing help on anything from what to eat that day to which guy to date.

Let me point out here that I love this. Some may analyze it as narcissism or that I’m projecting what I would want onto other people, but it’s truly not. I love putting myself in another person’s shoes and saying what I honestly believe I would do, or playing Devils Advocate to give options.

One request for advice came from a friend named Vanessa. Months prior, she had a little too much to drink and made the choice to get behind the wheel. Nothing was hurt but her pride, and it resulted in a DUI. Vanessa has been exceedingly responsible about it, including getting a compact breathilizer to keep in her purse in addition to the mandated one in her car, and chooses to walk to most functions if she thinks she’ll drink. Her request was as follows:

“So I’ll have to go to jail 24 hours for my DUI. Just enough time to make some new friends and some toilet wine. Aside from coming out with penciled in eyebrows and a tattooed ‘Celine’ on my neck, I’m a smidge apprehensive of the cavity search. Any advice you can think of?”

Where do I begin? Firstly, please come out with a head full of braids and lip liner only which needs to be made from melted crayons. Secondly, if you draw a fake teardrop tattoo with eyeliner for the next time you see me I’ll buy you an Alabama Slammer.

In all seriousness, that’s a scary thing to go through. Jail alone is a daunting thing to think of. I’ve seen enough Lock Up Raw to know I don’t want anything to do with Shaniqua or learn why she’s in the joint. Vanessa was taking it a lot better than I ever would and it’s sure put the fear in me.

Putting myself in her shoes isn’t easy, I have to admit, but my advice for the cavity search would be to think of something else that could possibly take the place of that event. Example: you have to endure a 20 minute wait in a packed DMV, so put in some headphones with some Bob Marley, sit in the back row with your eyes closed and your purse clutched tight while you imagine yourself on a beach.

That wouldn’t really work in this scenario, unless you’re used to sandy invasions of privacy. So what do you do? Pretend this was your first porn audition? A midlife crisis answer to a Craigs List ad?

I just say recite every state alphabetically in your head until it’s over. Even if you did so really fast, I can’t imagine you’d get past Minnesota before it was over. And, to being in jail in general, learn as many secret gang handshakes as you can. May come in handy some day.

Follow my blog to read more as it comes along, or email me at lalalalenas@gmail.com if you have something you would like advice on.